It's never bad to want to feel alive. Being numb is something I intimately understand.

Just consider that this is what you crave because it's all you had at the time, and you believed everything else you mentioned was out of reach. Not for you. Having never experienced it, how can you know?

If it turns out you still want the more visceral and violent after having softer things, that won't be bad, either, but it will be a decision made with more knowledge.

How are things going with Kosem?