Then you’re wrong. Me? After, I don’t feel empty. I feel alive. My heart beats so hard I know I am alive and sometimes, I used to wonder if I had died in my sleep and not noticed, and was a ghost for how I was ignored. Every bone aches. There are bruises and maybe blood, but - but it’s okay. I’m lucky. See how much time he spent with me to give them? See how he gave me a bed? And food? And the name calling. He’d say slut and whore and vile names, cunt and cock sucker and whatever else. But he could have had any slut, any whore. There were so many girls, but he chose me. He wanted me. I was his special girl. He were like a husband and love? No. I didn’t love him, but… love is for nice people, not me. Soft love and soft beds aren’t for me. They’re for nice people. Me, I must feel alive and that is enough. I want the shouts and the arguments. I want the extra slap to my face or my ass for arguing. I want my hands behind my back whilst I suck his cock. I want a knife to my throat whilst I’m fucked. I want tears. I want to feel it. Is that so bad?
It's never bad to want to feel alive. Being numb is something I intimately understand.
Just consider that this is what you crave because it's all you had at the time, and you believed everything else you mentioned was out of reach. Not for you. Having never experienced it, how can you know?
If it turns out you still want the more visceral and violent after having softer things, that won't be bad, either, but it will be a decision made with more knowledge.
It is out of reach. I shan’t have my heart hurt again. I will take that lot in life. I am not a woman to love. There’s nothing nice about me, so sex and that is pain too. It’s how it is and I have come to need it. It is better than being forgotten about.
[Eponine shrugs and smiles]
She’s in my fingers. She feels for me and wants me as a daughter. Why? I don’t know but she wants me. She’ll give me what I want I think, and run round for me. She’s kind. It’s strange. I don’t understand her. She never threatens. I don’t get it.
Why would she be? She don’t know me. She doesn’t love me.
[Eponine tilts her head.]
You know? If her son was here, she’d choose him, the dead one or the one that hanged him. She wouldn’t even remember me then. If my Pa was here, he would choose anyone over me. You have chosen so many over me. She don’t love me. She needs me to fill a hole.
Do you think people can only love one person at a time? That associations don't sometimes strengthen emotions rather than weaken them?
[Again the irony of his being the one to have this conversation strikes him. Such is her misfortune and his inability to stay away from people who remind him of aspects of himself.]
I haven't contracted you because right now we're a bad fit. You understand why. You're wrong in saying I haven't chosen you. I haven't agreed to do what you want of me. I have agreed to help you in ways I never would most.
You think it's a game for me? A momentary distraction? I promised you something. I don't promise what I won't deliver. I also know that if I did give you what you want of me right now, it would undermine every step of progress we could make on your self-control. I'd just be one more abuser in a line of them keeping you exactly where you are.
Yes. People love one other. It is how it is. The prince loves Cinderella. The other one loves the girl as a swan. Perhaps a mother can love all of her children. I don't know. My mother only loved me. She sold my brothers and threw Gavroche out and Azelma is too stupid to truly love.
[She sighs.] I know. I understand in my head, Sir. But my heart? She aches. This - all this with Kosem, she is lovely. But too lovely. I want when you took me on the roof and held me off the side. I was so ready to fall for you. I want you to be so. Is it abuse if I ask for it? Abuse would be as my Pa. Beating my ass for not bringing you coin. That was exciting. Thrilling. I long for it. I am bored here. I want to play. I just don't understand why you think I could be better. To wield power, there has to be beauty and mystery and seduction. Me, I am none of that.
[There's the faintest echo of an echo of emotion in that. He doesn't remember his mother or his father. He has a notion he was never loved. How true it is, he can't say.]
Yes, it can still be abuse even if you ask for it. Abuse isn't limited to something unwanted.
Consider this. You say you have none of these things. You attracted and held my attention nonetheless. I alone wouldn't seek to change you. You told me what you wanted, and I believe you have what it takes to achieve it. You don't believe that yet. We've only just started.
Many of the harder things to cultivate aren't exciting. The excitement comes once you're able to use them to the ends you desire.
Perhaps we should all have an outing. You and Kosem decide what you'd want to do, and we can do it. Make an evening of it. As fancy as you like.
[She scowls.] What? My mama and my teacher take me to the opera? I don't understand why you want me with Kosem. She is not dark like us. We could have fun without her, like in that place? The party with the masks?
I hate being learned. I want to just know it and be able in it.
It doesn't have to be the opera. That's why I suggested deciding together. You're right. She is not dark like us. It's going to take more than darkness to get you where you want to be. I alone would be the worst teacher for the side of it that needs a woman's touch.
If you want to learn how to portray yourself as more refined, she's a better model than I. I know you're frustrated. You want what you want yesterday. Try this outing.
I'll try to think of something suitable for the two of us later that doesn't involve threatening you but that is more exciting than the theatre.
No. I don't want you addicted. Not to mention you'd be no good company to either of us blissed out.
This is what people do, Eponine. We're not making a future for you with no input or effort from you. I would remind you that you asked me to help you. That's what this is. All part of it. Socializing together. Enjoying one another's company, or trying to. You want to know how to make others want you. How can you if you don't know the game?
Because you'll ignore me to talk to one another. That's what always happens. I am forgotten about. At least if I am medicated, Sir, then I won't be cross with you both for ignoring me. She'll try to make you forget all about me, I know it.
Do you understand what a self-fulfilling prophecy is? If you sulk and behave like a child, then yes, I will be sure to treat you like one. If you tantrum and make no effort to control yourself, why would anyone want to talk to you in that moment?
If however, you turn that intelligence to making pleasant conversation and react to what is happening in the moment rather than what you've imagined will happen, not only will you enjoy yourself, but we'll enjoy you, too. If both of us are seeking to help you, does it make sense to think we'd then ignore you? To what end, Eponine? If you want anyone to have faith in you, you're going to have to extend it both ways.
I know it's hard. And if we make a fool of you or treat you poorly when you're not behaving poorly, then you get to say 'I told you so.' But if we don't? What if you choose something that you think would interest you and we all have a good time? You're very good at imagining the worst. Imagine the best. See what comes of it.
I suppose I worry. I’ve seen it happen before. People are well to talk to me until there is someone prettier to think of, and Kosem is very pretty and clever and educated.
But I will try to be lovely. You know I’ll do anything for you. I’ll be a good girl. I’ll choose a delight for us, and perhaps a picnic in the park to follow?
This isn't a contest. Kosem is pretty, clever, and educated, and that makes her a good choice for you, to help teach you aspects of the social dance she'll know far better than I. Cosmetics. How to wear your hair. How to dress in a way that flatters you and sends the message that you're worthy of respect. How to put a best face forward even when you're not necessarily feeling it.
Do it for you, Little Bird. A nighttime dinner in the park after our evening entertainment, whatever it turns out to be. If you have a good time, and all of us enjoy our evening, then I'll be happy, too. How could I not be?
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no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 05:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 05:25 am (UTC)Just consider that this is what you crave because it's all you had at the time, and you believed everything else you mentioned was out of reach. Not for you. Having never experienced it, how can you know?
If it turns out you still want the more visceral and violent after having softer things, that won't be bad, either, but it will be a decision made with more knowledge.
How are things going with Kosem?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 05:33 am (UTC)[Eponine shrugs and smiles]
She’s in my fingers. She feels for me and wants me as a daughter. Why? I don’t know but she wants me. She’ll give me what I want I think, and run round for me. She’s kind. It’s strange. I don’t understand her. She never threatens. I don’t get it.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 05:41 am (UTC)[He's relieved to hear it's going better than he expected.]
What if that kindness is real? Can you accept it? What if it turns out she is as fierce in her love for you as others have been in their cruelty?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 05:47 am (UTC)[Eponine tilts her head.]
You know? If her son was here, she’d choose him, the dead one or the one that hanged him. She wouldn’t even remember me then. If my Pa was here, he would choose anyone over me. You have chosen so many over me. She don’t love me. She needs me to fill a hole.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 06:12 am (UTC)[Again the irony of his being the one to have this conversation strikes him. Such is her misfortune and his inability to stay away from people who remind him of aspects of himself.]
I haven't contracted you because right now we're a bad fit. You understand why. You're wrong in saying I haven't chosen you. I haven't agreed to do what you want of me. I have agreed to help you in ways I never would most.
You think it's a game for me? A momentary distraction? I promised you something. I don't promise what I won't deliver. I also know that if I did give you what you want of me right now, it would undermine every step of progress we could make on your self-control. I'd just be one more abuser in a line of them keeping you exactly where you are.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 06:24 am (UTC)[She sighs.] I know. I understand in my head, Sir. But my heart? She aches. This - all this with Kosem, she is lovely. But too lovely. I want when you took me on the roof and held me off the side. I was so ready to fall for you. I want you to be so. Is it abuse if I ask for it? Abuse would be as my Pa. Beating my ass for not bringing you coin. That was exciting. Thrilling. I long for it. I am bored here. I want to play. I just don't understand why you think I could be better. To wield power, there has to be beauty and mystery and seduction. Me, I am none of that.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 06:40 am (UTC)[There's the faintest echo of an echo of emotion in that. He doesn't remember his mother or his father. He has a notion he was never loved. How true it is, he can't say.]
Yes, it can still be abuse even if you ask for it. Abuse isn't limited to something unwanted.
Consider this. You say you have none of these things. You attracted and held my attention nonetheless. I alone wouldn't seek to change you. You told me what you wanted, and I believe you have what it takes to achieve it. You don't believe that yet. We've only just started.
Many of the harder things to cultivate aren't exciting. The excitement comes once you're able to use them to the ends you desire.
Perhaps we should all have an outing. You and Kosem decide what you'd want to do, and we can do it. Make an evening of it. As fancy as you like.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 06:50 am (UTC)I hate being learned. I want to just know it and be able in it.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 06:58 am (UTC)If you want to learn how to portray yourself as more refined, she's a better model than I. I know you're frustrated. You want what you want yesterday. Try this outing.
I'll try to think of something suitable for the two of us later that doesn't involve threatening you but that is more exciting than the theatre.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 08:43 pm (UTC)[She grumbles.]
But I want some more of your drug. Especially to sit through the theatre with the pair of you making a future for me.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-02 05:08 am (UTC)This is what people do, Eponine. We're not making a future for you with no input or effort from you. I would remind you that you asked me to help you. That's what this is. All part of it. Socializing together. Enjoying one another's company, or trying to. You want to know how to make others want you. How can you if you don't know the game?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-02 07:46 pm (UTC)At least if I am medicated, Sir, then I won't be cross with you both for ignoring me. She'll try to make you forget all about me, I know it.
[She doesn't. She's just jealous.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-03 05:37 am (UTC)If however, you turn that intelligence to making pleasant conversation and react to what is happening in the moment rather than what you've imagined will happen, not only will you enjoy yourself, but we'll enjoy you, too. If both of us are seeking to help you, does it make sense to think we'd then ignore you? To what end, Eponine? If you want anyone to have faith in you, you're going to have to extend it both ways.
I know it's hard. And if we make a fool of you or treat you poorly when you're not behaving poorly, then you get to say 'I told you so.' But if we don't? What if you choose something that you think would interest you and we all have a good time? You're very good at imagining the worst. Imagine the best. See what comes of it.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-03 05:44 am (UTC)But I will try to be lovely. You know I’ll do anything for you. I’ll be a good girl. I’ll choose a delight for us, and perhaps a picnic in the park to follow?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-03 06:57 am (UTC)Do it for you, Little Bird. A nighttime dinner in the park after our evening entertainment, whatever it turns out to be. If you have a good time, and all of us enjoy our evening, then I'll be happy, too. How could I not be?